Rate the Last Movie You've Seen!
  • The Human Centipede Trilogy - Yeah, well, I guess if that's what you're into. The first movie wasn't completely awful, but the sequels were total garbage. I had heard how gross these movies are so was a little underwhelmed when I finally saw what all the fuss was about.

    I haven't seen Blade Runner 2049 yet and will probably wait to see it for free like everything else. The first movie was boring as fuck but the Blade Runner world was cool.
  • Man, if you thought Blade Runner was boring, you are going to hate 2049. Good movie, but slow slow movie. Also, watching it pirated, with like four pixels, is really going to deny you any appreciation of the wide shots. But hey, you do you.
  • DVD quality is free or very close to it, if you have the patience to wait. I don't need to see it right now lest I hyperventilate in excitement, because I'm a somewhat functional adult capable of deferring gratification.
  • The Bad Batch

    Terrible and boring. Takes itself way too seriously and everything everything everything takes waaaaaaay too long. I should have heeded goodenoughs warning. I have paid the price.

    Every event in the plot requires accidents and strokes of luck. It is like it was written by a being new to the ideas of time and causality. It has zero interesting things to say. Let me please spoil it for you. What happens when you lock people in a prison with no food? Terrible shit. Duh.

    Do not let the trailer or cast fool you. This movie is not just horrible. I would put it on the list with Transformers 2. Art crime.
  • It was so disappointing considering how good A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night was. 
  • And another fucking thing, no cannibal ever has removed limbs one at a time, and closed the amputation. Do you see a bunch of three and two legged cows hanging around? When you are gonna eat a critter, you gut and dress the whole thing. It is like the stupid urban myth of waking up in a tub of ice after "they" steal a kidney. If somebody is going to take an organ, they will take what they like and kill you. There are seven billion humans on Earth and waking up, missing a kidney, where the robbers expertly closed the wound has happened zero times ever.

    That Stephen King story where the surgeon on a desert island eats his limbs is cool, but impossible. You lose more calories in blood loss than you will ever recoup from the meat. Cool story though. Bad Batch is not cool. It is stupid at every level.

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    The Babysitter - 5/10

    It's like a horror version of Home Alone, but instead of two robbers a group of cultists whom one of them is the kid's babysitter tries killing him after he witnesses them perform human sacrifice. It's a cool premise, but the it's sort of boring and there isn't much tension. It's a comedy-horror film without much comedy. The standout star of the film is a fucking Vine-star if that says anything. The deaths are kind of underwhelming too, with two of them basically being accidental. 


    Rings - 2/10
    What the absolute fuck? The third and probable final entry in the American remake series of Ringu is quite honestly one of the worst horror sequels I've ever had the displeasure of viewing. Not only does it shit on a bunch of the mythos surrounding Samara. The first film of the remake series is probably one of the best modern horror films out there, and the sequels just took progressively worse shits on the series. This one is honestly just shite. It sets up Johnny Galecki (Leonard of Big Bang Theory) as our lead protagonist and actually one of the only interesting and three dimensional characters in the film, he watches the tape, gets the phone call, you know the rest. However, they give him one of the stupidest, underwhelming deaths I've seen. Car crash off screen, and dies from a falling electrical pole. 

    None of you will probably see this, so yeah I spoiled some shit. The lead actress cannot act her way out of a paper bag, and the supporting cast are just...meh. Leonard from Big Bang should have been the lead and they should have done more with the "video within a video" aspect but they threw that out as soon as they mentioned it.

    Gods, this was SHIT. The only positive? The scenes that do feature Samara are great.

  • Blade Runner 2049 9/10
    Loved it great sequel to the original, had no issue with the pacing as i was soaking in the cinematography and the music during the slow moments, interesting that the ai was more rebellious than the protagonist. 
  • Thor: Ragnarok

    It is just great fun.  A great action movie and wonderfully goofy.  It manages to have some weight while always going for every cheap laugh.  It is the hardest reboot of the MCU to date.  Forget all the Shakespeare or Simonson Thor we got for two movies.  This throws all of that out the window for twenty solid minutes, hard.  This is Thor reinvented as 1980's Flash Gordon.  Thor!  AHHAHH! He saved every one of us!  Well except for the parts with Jeff Goldblum, then it goes hard for Buckaroo Banzai.  I am not fucking kidding,  I thought he might put on chaps when he started with the keyboard.  It does have a serious side and I even liked a couple of the plot twists at the end.  

    It is such a hard reboot that you wonder if Thor dies in Infinity War, or gets a more gentle putting out to pasture.  They let this director play with so many toys and break so many rules, you wonder if it is because this playset will get put away soon.  They even let the director be a Kiwi rock pile.  That sounds like a real real bad idea, but Korg steals some scenes.  Not the greatest MCU of all time, but the best Thor movie by a country mile, and proof the MCU even knows how to course correct.  I did not recognize Matt Damon in that stupid wig.
  • Justice League - 2/10

    What a fucking snooze-fest. Nothing happens. Literally nothing happens, the pacing is way too fast and as soon as things begin to unfold and happen the film ends. It's not good. Currently I'd throw this at the bottom of the DCEU list of films.

    I had more fun watching Batman v Superman and Suicide Squad, which are two of the worst films in this franchise, but in my opinion Justice League tops both of them as the worst. I was bored, and found myself waiting for it to end.

    Barry Allen is one of the only good parts of the film and his characterization still felt off and nothing like Barry from the comics. The end credit scene with Deathstroke was good too, but man. How can they not get this right?

    The Good
    • Some of the Barry Allen scenes. Even though he doesn't feel like Barry Allen most of the time.
    • The Deathstroke end credit scene.
    The Bad

    • The film's plot was incredibly lacking and nothing happens in the film until nearing the finale and then as soon as it begins the film ends.
    • Steppenwolf was a terrible villain, and didn't seem like much of a threat at all.
    • Batman literally didn't do anything in the movie other than fight for a bit.
    • Superman's resurrection was rushed and him turning on the others felt like a forced moment. Why the fuck would Cyborg's systems fail right here at this moment when they seemed to somewhat operational during the rest of the film? Come on.
    • Boring as fuck.
    • Too much exposition.
    • The ending's resolution is incredibly lackluster.
    • It's worse than Batman v Superman and Suicide Squad.
  • Thor Ragnarok (7/10):

    Yeah it's Marvel. Like, we all know what we're getting at this point. Wisecracks, lots of colour, light-hearted fun. It's the best Thor to date, Goldblum's character is funny, Hela is visually excellent. It is silly and surreal a bit and weirder than other Marvel. It still gets out of tight jams way too easily, and the Marvel schtick is still the Marvel schtick at this point. I would say it's basically above-average Marvel tier-ish. It's fun and worth seeing but probably nothing you'd want to see more than once. I mean maybe. But there's not much there really. I do appreciate Marvel movies going full on "fuck you blast all colours at once" mode, it's neat for now and a nice change of pace from some of the two and three tone trends we've been stuck with. It'll get old at some point though. It is the first Thor I thought was more than "meh." It is still not terribly memorable.

    Coco (8/10):

    Possibly the prettiest animated movie you'll ever see outside of maybe Shinkai. It's incredible. Jaw dropping amount of objects and light sources and colour on screen at once, the land of the dead is a marvel (ahahahaha I'm here all day). It is a brutally sad film. It is also, sadly (although for different reasons), super predictable. Down to who will show up where and when, how the plot will go, etc., and that diffuses some of the tension. It really follows the very standard Pixar plot arch at this point. But... it's beautiful, sad, has good music, and is super relatable, and it's nice to see a non American centered Disney/Pixar film. 

    Lady Bird (7/10):

    What a nice film. A well acted, well directed caricature film that falls into the same group that something like Frances Ha or Brooklyn did. These characters are all stereotypes and while they're stereotypes based in reality and people we might know they also feel there not to exist as people but more to move the plot. The grainy filter was sort of obnoxious, it casts the entire film in a sort of retro ugliness that is distracting, which is a shame because the film does an ok job otherwise of avoiding prettying up everyone into supermodels. It is just... good. Like there's nothing that bad about the film, and it is funny and awkward, the soundtrack is fantastic, the scenery is good, but it exists to appeal to a certain subset of people and is very white and California suburban and the humor at times feels like the cliche characters; not there to develop things, but more to move things along and check boxes and exist just to say it does. I missed feeling heartbroken or boisterous or much of anything extravagant along the way other than "ok this is good that is nice and now it is done."
  • Justice League

    It's bad. It's dreary. Other than Wonder Woman, it has zero compelling characters. The villain is bland CGI, and the CGI is terrible. How you can spend this much for an ugly movie is ohmazin. The Joss added scenes are jarring and out of place. The whole thing has a dark knight vibe, and you end on the speed race? Your crap is better than Zacks crap, but the crap don't go together. Bad bad movie.
    It is nowhere near as bad as Murder Man V Mopey Man. MovieBob has a couple of videos on Dawn of Justice that go over all the ways that movie sucks. Just Bob reading a plot synopsis made me want to jump out a window. DC movies are mostly ugly, dull, and joyless. Marvel has a schtick. A watchable, fun, schtick, based on the classic source material, not on post modern, committee made amalgamations of garbage.
  • Although I didn't dislike Justice league as much as most. I thought it was enjoyable for what it was. I'm not going to be an apologist for the film, don't get me wrong. It's a bad film. Every thing you have said above is true. Affleck just didn't want to be there. He half arsed every scene. But ultimately I enjoyed what i watched and I still what to see where the franchise goes. I know I must be dumb.
  • Rifftrax: The Dalek Invasion of Earth 2150 A.D.

    First of all, do not confuse this with The Dalek Invasion of Earth 2150 B.C. Dr Who plus MST3K plus Peter Cushing is the greatest trinity of pop culture since Batman plus Scooby Doo plus Weird Al. It works really well. Non canonical Dr Who is perfect for MST3K. The Daleks are armed with fire extinguishers. Literally. It is so awesome. Any country that makes Sting a knight deserves to be invaded by Daleks. That this just exists makes me so happy. That it is actually a strong episode of Rifftrax is a Christmas miracle. God bless us, every one.

    My personal favorite MST3K moment in my own life was going to see the D and D movie with friends and yelling at the screen. Example: Don't go in there! You don't have any graph paper! You can't map!
  • Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi



    Perhaps the first warning should have been the title crawl, whose third paragraph summoned a prevailing sense of unease in the way they subbed out a Proper Noun used in VII for a new one in order to copy the originals even more. VIII's plot bares almost nothing in common with VII, other then being darker. Instead, it full scale copies entire lines of dialogue and speeches to try to remind us that it's Star Wars, as if the lightsabers weren't enough.

    This wouldn't be a problem if everything else didn't, well, completely and utterly suck shit. Every single character's characterization, moral arc, and motivation is warped and changed. It's one thing to shit on Lucas's lore and general ideas - I expect that. But this shits on... Episode VII. Permisively. Rey is warped, Kylo warped, Luke warped, everyone is this weird caraicature of what they previously stood for.

    The plot is simultaneously threadbare and cluttered. For long stretches, nothing ~really~ happens, nothing to actually move things, and yet we are inundated with deus ex machina moments and an overabundance of cheap parlor tricks. Del Toro's entire character is awful, and that entire plot line is pointless and meaningless, to say nothing of Phasma. 3/4 of the dialogue is yelling, and what isn't yelling is really contrived, cheap, over-the-top lines delivered for EPIC DRAMA that instead fall horribly, horribly flat. And as for the humour, there are a LOT of attempts at it. Lot is not the key word here, attempts is. Most of it is just bad. 

    Even the acting has regressed heavily. Any emotional depth from Finn is gone. Same with Poe. \

    About 1/3 of the way through I thought "this is not that good." About 1/2 through I thought "this is actually pretty bad." About 2/3 of the way through, I thought "the only thing stopping me from walking out is my crushing social anxiety and the fact that I didn't come alone."

    As a movie, separate from Star Wars, it's awful. As Star Wars, separate from a movie, it's awful. It's logically inconsistent, non-sensible, cringey, and at the end of the day, just not fun. I joke about giving 10/10s to every SW movie, but there's a lot of truth there. I genuinely loved all 8 previous movies, warts and all. But this... this was too much. This was just bad movie making, bad writing, bad plotting, bad everything. Probably the single most disappointing movie experience I've ever had, and one final, glorious send-off by 2017, aka the fuck year.

    Noobied by 1AshGooner
  • Never thought I'd see the day. Worse than Phantom Menace is hard to imagine. Like actually difficult. Does Will Wheaton voice a CGI Wesley Crusher, who warps in, and brings balance to the force via math, naivete and earnestness?
  • I can't really give away too much. Obviously it's new and I don't want to spoil the plot or anything. But there are just entire sequences that serve no point and have really easy get out of jail free cards. There's even an entire scene that is - a really, really, really important one too - that is literally, word-for-word, something I'd expect Spaceballs 2 to do if it was made today to parody new Star Wars. Tonally it's weird. Everyone is a smarmy smart ass now. That's ok in, say, Guardians of the Galaxy. It's fucking weird here. Del Toro's character has one of the worst speech disabilities (is it supposed to be drug addled? legit disability? who knows!) I've seen portrayed in a movie. I don't know how you make Del Toro look like he couldn't act in any capacity, but they did. There are so many contrived conveniences. The casino planet happens so fast and is so silly and stupid and pointless and rushed and yet not at all important I basically checked out for it. You could cut out 30-40 minutes in the middle and nothing would change. An entire plot line is the good guys running away for like an hour. We are told early on by the bad guys that they are faster, but an hour later everything is the same. The final shot is basically Spaceballs again. They have a ring. It looks like it came out of a 25 cent coin machine at my local breakfast cafe. There's even a brand new technology introduced that I flat out hope they retcon out of existence. it completely changes the logistics now of every movie and book post Last Jedi, in a bad way. There's a major reason Lucas specifically avoided it. 

    I thought sleeping on it I'd feel better but nah. It's just one big stupid movie. Maybe once more people have seen it here I'll go into my major issues with characterization and motivation but there are so many bad ironies too. And even down to like the final lines it's just like... jesus my dudes. Kylo Ren in the fucking trailers said 'let the past die.' You aren't even letting it die, you're reanimating it and then shitting all over it.

    I messaged Ash last night and told him to give me his thoughts before he checked twitter or the forums. I dunno if he'll post here, but here are some logs (edited for spoilers). 

    (me): pm what you thought before either checking twitter or NT forums
    to not bias yourself
    pm ehre i mean lel
    just give a quick thought/synopsis/whatever

    AshGooner-Today at 2:32 AM

    I'll elaborate more later because I'm just leaving for work, but there's a lot I didn't like about it lel

    AshGooner-Today at 4:06 AM

    I'm not even sure where to start
    [redacted for spoilers]
    [redacted for spoilers]
    And it doesn't go anywhere
    [redacted for spoilers]

    GoodEnoughForMe-Today at 6:51 AM

    i basically went a step further and said it was legitimately an awful movie, lel

    AshGooner-Today at 6:54 AM

    I wouldn't disagree
    as I sat watching I could see it getting progressively worse
  • Interestingly enough, it's on pace to be the lowest scored SW movie on IMDB since episode 2 maybe. This is actually a weird inverse where the critics appear to like it more than the fans. The score should be super high right now because they're always inflated early on when the fans are going and giving it tens. Force Awakens was like 8.8 at this point before settling at 8.1ish. Last Jedi is already at 8.1. You can take a lot of tenths off that for when it settles in about 12 months.
  • I pretty much echo everything @GoodEnoughForMe has said. Obviously it's hard to be specific without going into spoiler territory, but suffice to say, so many scenes have no pay off or relevance to the overall narrative. There's a point when you think the film is being set up for taking the Star Wars universe in a new direction, but in the end regresses back to what we've seen before in the previous trilogies. Some of the characters were absolutely pointless and shouldn't even be in the film. 

    The worst thing I can say about is that some of the scenes had me almost bemused at how bad they were. So bad it invokes memories of the prequels. 

  • I was really worried that I was going to come here and see people enjoying Last Jedi, relieved to see that everyone feels it's as shite as I do. They literally try (and fail) to parallel the entire original trilogy in one film. The more I think about it the more livid I become. Episode VII was mediocre but lauded because it was the first acceptable Sta Wars film in over 30 years. Rogue One is genuinely brilliant and gives me hope for non trilogy films. VIII has no excuses, and I'm irate that so many are giving it a pass. 

    I look forward to your impending breakdown of the film GEFM. I'm interested to see how many of our issues overlap. 
  • I'm going to see Last Jedi tomorrow night. I'll admit, I've been avoiding reviews and opinions to go in unspoiled and this has bummed me out.

    My feelings will be up tomorrow night, so yay?
  • The Last Jedi

    It is pretty terrible.  It is a completely different sort of terrible from Phantom Menace.  Last Jedi actually makes Phantom Menace seem like a better movie in retrospect, in that Phantom Menace has a beginning, a middle, and an end.  Last Jedi, starts with a Beavis and Butthead joke, gets lost for an hour, manages one compelling fight, then collapses into an endless mess, and just when you think it might end, it fails to end and has another act that makes you even more frustrated.  I think I still hate Phantom Menace more, for being the most Ewok thing that ever Ewoked an Ewok, but Phantom Menace is way way more coherent.  The pacing and editing of Last Jedi are unforgivable, and the script stinks, and I hate Rian Johnson forever.  You could make a list of characters that serve no useful function and it would be long, and include a couple of folks on the damn posters.

    All of that is not Last Jedi's greatest crime.  It's greatest crime is having no rules.  Look at the Marvel movies, wacky, stupid, outrageous and all.  You always seem to know what the rules are.  Tony can't lift the helicarrier, but he can push the rotor.  There are rules, there are limits.  Last Jedi has no rules.  What can the force do?  It can do anything the script needs it to do.  Can't think how to have two characters have a conversation?  Force ahoy.  (If you can't figure out how to have characters talk to each other without magic, you suck as a writer, fuck you Rian Jonhson.) . Can't think of how to work in references to beloved characters?  Force Ahoy.  Can't solve fucking any of the fucking problems you have fucking written in your fucking script?  Force ahoy.  It is not the force, it is deus ex shit writing.  But fucking wait, you think rewriting the force on the fly as needed makes stuff dumb?  Well we are changing the rules of space combat, how FTL jumps work, and how acceleration works on a Newtonian scale.  You will not understand how the central problem for the good guys works, because it does not seem to operate by any of the rules of space magic of the preceding films, nor does it operate by any law of physics you might know.  I am amazed to think how many people read this script and signed off on it.  I suppose Murder Man V Mopey Man got approved multiple times as well.  I am angry that Blade Runner 2049 lost money and Last Jedi will make more money than God.  Last Jedi is bad movie made by bad people who should feel bad.
    Noobied by 1GoodEnoughForMe
  • No it is not worse than phantom menace , there are gaps of logic and lots of over dramatic scenes, but is not as bad as some people say, i didn't expect a masterpiece, rogue one is still the best of the bunch
  • And what the living fuck was up with those kids, straight out a Michael Jackson video? We actually ended on one of those. If Michael Jackson had walked out of the shadows and dance/sung Smooth Criminal, it would have been creepy as fuck, and totally fit the tone. Lord, the tonal shifts in this movie are jarring as fuck. I did not have to wait to dislike this film. That Beavis and Butthead joke at the beginning showed how little they understand Star Wars, or just making a movie. Looper sucked and Rian Johnson is a hack. His jokes are not funny and you only laugh when he tries to get serious.
  • Yep, it's a mess - and I think westsw's hit the nail on the head with the farting around with rule sets. The original films set out enough of a framework for you to be pretty much as lost as the farmboy Luke in what was going on, but with a clear enough sense that there was a structure that everything adhered to - Dark Side/Light Side, once you start down the path forever will it dominate your destiny etc etc etc...

    The Prequels threw a ratchet in with the Prophecy and the notion of Bringing Balance to The Force.  I keep thinking they are going to go somewhere interesting with that (why do so many apprentices linked to Yoda and Qui Gonn keep going bad? Is there something rotten at the core of Jedi philospophy? Is a battle of light and evil where one side tries to dominate the other actually the wrong way to go?), but every time they hint at that in the last 5 main-line films they soon duck back to the old, established duality.

    Of course, I'm setting myself up for a fall (and I'm guessing we all are) for caring about this stuff too much, but I actually had a moment of clarity in the cinema last night when one character told another character to 'Reach out with your feelings' and I suddenly thought that, whilst that's a nice phrase that kind of hints at what is going on, it is also at the same time absolutely and utterly meaningless...

    All of that is aside from all the shonky scripting, editing and pacing issues that everyone's mentioned.  I did laugh a few times in the film but even that many chuckles felt out of place in an SW film. The original trilogy traded in wry wit, the prequels were po-faced in the extreme and only went for the broadest possible laughs with the Gungans but it was only when I re-watched TFA in prep for this one that I realised how much that was played for laughs.  Weird.

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