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Brendog28

ok so i thought i would ask people who have similar interests to me and most likely a same mindset, How do you deal with people constantly being jerks to you for no reason when you are being a good person to them?

i thought i would ask this to thecomunnity because you all seem to have varying opinions on an article, and that with that i might be able to come up with a conclusion

Slixshot

I don't allow people to be a jerk to me. If they're arrogant I simply allow them to think so, but I don't interact with them; it's not like I can't live without them.

Brendog28

i try not to let them be a jerk but when its someone you know and they are near and dear to your heart, what do you do?

laphamking

Like Slix, I simply pay them no attention, up to a point. If I'm having a bad day or they're taking things too far, they'll quickly realize I can be more of an asshole than they ever thought possible.

With that said, is it possible for you to give examples of people being jerks to you? For a question like this, it's easier to be more specific, you could get more help that way if people are really bothering you.

Edit: If it's someone you know, sit down and talk to them about it. If you care about them, that's the best thing you can do.

Slixshot

laphamking said:
Edit: If it's someone you know, sit down and talk to them about it. If you care about them, that's the best thing you can do.

Help them and be honest. If it's like a family member, ask "Why have you been mistreating me lately?" or something along those lines.

Brendog28

@laphamking, sure i can give an example, i knew i left something out :P silly me.
ok the best example i can give you guys and girls is my friend Emalee has a boyfriend that constantly physically and verbally abuses her, she gets extremely upset (as anyone would) and me thinking id be a good person said to her "if you ever need someone to talk to about this im here for you" then after everything id do for her like not going to the police cause she made me promise her cause she was scared, and all the late nights ive had trying to just calim her down and for her to stop crying atleast alittle, i get treated like shit by her for no apparent reason what so ever. i dont understand did i do something wrong for wanting to be there for a friend?

laphamking

Does here boyfriend know that you're being a good friend and trying to help her? If so, then maybe he's taking it out on her, and in turn she's getting upset at you.

Also, while I commend you on being a good friend and being there when she needs you, are you sure that's enough. I know you don't want to scare her by calling the cops, but if this guy is really bad, she may not be safe. I found out a few months ago that an old friend of mine got the shit beat out of her from her boyfriend. He almost broke her neck. This happened because no one ever called the cops on him, even though they knew he had anger and control issues. I'm not saying that will happen to your friend, but things can always get unpleasant in relationships like that.

Brisby

Brendog28 said:
@laphamking, sure i can give an example, i knew i left something out :P silly me.
ok the best example i can give you guys and girls is my friend Emalee has a boyfriend that constantly physically and verbally abuses her, she gets extremely upset (as anyone would) and me thinking id be a good person said to her "if you ever need someone to talk to about this im here for you" then after everything id do for her like not going to the police cause she made me promise her cause she was scared, and all the late nights ive had trying to just calim her down and for her to stop crying atleast alittle, i get treated like shit by her for no apparent reason what so ever. i dont understand did i do something wrong for wanting to be there for a friend?

Abusers are very manipulative and I’m sure he’s trying to get her to cut contacts with all friends, especially male ones. She probably is feeling the pressure and is trying to push you away emotionally by being mean to you so you’ll be the one to break off the friendship first. Either that or she’s taking out her angry on you for what her boyfriend is doing to her. How dependent is she on this ass? If he’s just a boyfriend and she has few barriers to overcome to get away from him, you should definitely be contacting a professional who can work with her and get her out of the relationship. Your friend might be pissed at you at first but it might save her life. The more you do now, the easier it will be to get her away from him. Seriously, if you believe she’s in real danger, and she obviously is if she’s telling you not to call the police, you need to tell someone.

GreyAcumen

Life is hard and I understand where you're comming from. Good guys finish last. Don't let it overcome you, be strong. I know your pain better than even you do.

vowel

We had a topic not long ago about how nice guys finish last. In it me and a couple of others stated how nice guys tend to have no backbone (not all, but most). Thing is, you being there for your friend is the right thing to do. But a nice guy needs to learn to overcome the need to please everyone and stand up and be heard. If someone is being a dick/bitch, say it. Simply say "you're being a dick/bitch, quit it or just fuck off". They'll either stop and maybe apologise realising how they were being after you pointed it out or they'll use it as grounds to argue depending on their mood. If the later you just say "ok, I'm leaving" and you don't talk to them till they've apologised.

Self respect is the main thing here, respect yourself enough not to take other people's shit and demand the respect from your friends enough for them not to give you that shit. Simply put, you be nice until they start being a dick. In which case you stand up and be heard.

Brendog28

@laphamking, aparently her boyfriend is jealous of me, i have no idea why he would be because im not the kind of person to take somes girlfriend, but i think what @brisby was saying is also a real contributing factor about her having to cut ties with friends especially male ones. But what i find hard to understand is that after everything this guy does to her, Emalee still goes back to him WHY???? and i dont understand the concept of her being mean so ill end the friendship, shes a human being shes allowed to interact and befriend anyone she likes without consent from this guy.
@laphamking, is your friend alright now what happend?
@brisby, i know i should tell someone if i think she is in serious danger but she has trust and confidence issuses as it is, i dont want to make them worse and i would like her to beable to have complete trust and confidence in someone

Brendog28

@vowel, I read alittle of that therad but i kinda got lost, i do however have a question for you though, hyperthetically lets say you and me have been friends for years, and i take the route of "ok, im leaving and i dont talk to you until you appoligise". the question is, if i take that route for x reason why would i even consider an appoligy from that person from what they have just done.

@Greyacumen, oh so im not the only one who has had this kind of experiance, would you be able to elaborate alittle further as too what happened?

vowel

Brendog28 said:
@vowel, I read alittle of that therad but i kinda got lost, i do however have a question for you though, hyperthetically lets say you and me have been friends for years, and i take the route of "ok, im leaving and i dont talk to you until you appoligise". the question is, if i take that route for x reason why would i even consider an appoligy from that person from what they have just done.

You don't tell them that they need to apologise at the time, you need them to cool off before that if you've had to take the option of leaving.. You tell them the next time they try talk to you. And if the situation is the one in your example. Yes you should conciser it, they are still your friend, you've just opted not to take their shit and let them know you wont take it by making them apologise for it. If it's not the situation from your example I can't say. Most of the time (about 95% if I'm to make up a statistic for it) it's fitting and, yes to the question. But some things are very situational based as with everything in life there is NEVER a clear cut "this is what you should do no matter what happens".

Brendog28 said:
@brisby, i know i should tell someone if i think she is in serious danger but she has trust and confidence issuses as it is, i dont want to make them worse and i would like her to beable to have complete trust and confidence in someone

You can't tell anyone. It would be for the best if you did if everything worked as it should, but it doesn't and it all comes down to her in the end. Uou can't put her in that situation when you've said to her that you wouldn't tell anyone. I say that because you're not a witness to it and she'll be the one that has to testify and back up your claims to the police. And if she's not willing to go to the police herself in fear, she wont tell the police when they come knocking that it's true leaving you in the (bren)dog house for breaking your word.

Brisby

Brendog28 said:
@brisby was saying is also a real contributing factor about her having to cut ties with friends especially male ones. But what i find hard to understand is that after everything this guy does to her, Emalee still goes back to him WHY???? and i dont understand the concept of her being mean so ill end the friendship, shes a human being shes allowed to interact and befriend anyone she likes without consent from this guy.

People that are abused are being manipulated into thinking that they somehow deserve it or that they caused the abuse somehow. That's why she keeps going back. He probably has her thinking she will never amount to anything and she's lucky to even be dating him. Also, if he's jealous of you he's definitely talking shit about you to her and this is probably why she is resistent and lashing out at you. It's really not that difficult to understand. She's being emotionally and psychologically controlled so she's doing things she otherwise wouldn't do.

@brisby, i know i should tell someone if i think she is in serious danger but she has trust and confidence issuses as it is, i dont want to make them worse and i would like her to beable to have complete trust and confidence in someone

Her trust and confidence issues certainly won't go away if she allowed to be with this asshole. She needs to get away from him as soon as possible. Honestly, I think formalities of the friendship take a backseat now. At least talk to someone yourself about the situation so someone else knows, it's the least you can do.

ColtTheGamR

I'd try and talk to the boyfreind, ask him why he is treating her the way he is? I'd also ask your freind if its worth it to be in a relationship with that kind of abuse?
Finnally regardless of promises you've made; if her safety is in danger you should go to the police; she might not know whats good for her well being but as a freind you sure do, remember people can be blinded by love so what she thinks is best for herself may not be the case, just be direct and make sure everyone stays safe.

Edit: ok say after reading the later posts going tot he police may not be the best idea, my point is to do what is best for her and not necessarily what she says is best for her

vowel

ColtTheGamR said:
if her safety is in danger you should go to the police

In an ideal world, yes, he should goto the police for her. But in this world the police wont do anything unless she tells them what is happening. The police coming to the door will only create further problems for her if she doesn't speak up.

jaded_sapphire

When a someone is with an abuser (male or female) one of the things that they do is separate the other person from their friends. they say things like oh you know that hes only talking to you because he wants to get in your pants. Another thing that they can say is if you loved me you would trust me to tell you what is best for you when I see something is wrong and your getting hurt by this person. Another thing that can be said (and its my guess this is the closest is) See I told you that all ___________ wants to do is interfere with our relationship. How could you let them do that. They dont care about what your feeling and you need to stop talking to them before they cause real damage.

I know it may not make sense but most of the time the abused will buy into that hook line and sinker because they are convinced that they are not good eough for anyone/anything more than that or because the abuser has stripped away all of their self worth over time to where the abused feels that they can not be trusted to make simple decisions on their own. Mind you that the stripping away of self worth is not something that occurs over night its something that takes years.

vowel said:
In an ideal world, yes, he should goto the police for her. But in this world the police wont do anything unless she tells them what is happening. The police coming to the door will only create further problems for her if she doesn't speak up.

Very true... The only way that something can be done about it to where the abused is protected is for them to decide that they have had enough. If the police come over in the middle of a dispute and she has marks on her he will go to jail for 1 night here in the good old US and if she decides not to press charges then he is released the next day. Who do you think is going to pay the price for that? I would suggest seeing if she would be willing to go to a support group with you to lean on that way she can learn to overcome why she stays.

Big Fuzzy Dude

The reason she is mad at you is because it is easier to take the rage she feels for him out on someone she knows is ready to forgive here in a second i.e YOU. You have a couple of options. 1. keep your head down. Things might take their natural corse and they might break up. 2. Be direct with here. Sometimes people need to here an inconvenient truth to move on (no not the movie about global warming). 3. You could confront here boyfriend. She may be angry at you at first for interfering but eventually she will see it was for the greater good (I wouldn't recommend this cause im a wimp who hates confrontation). Hope this helps. If it doesn't, I understand, I usually talk alot of shit.

Brendog28

haha nah it all helps, especially hearing other peoples ideas cause now i have an idea of how to go about things atleast

Epke

Brendog28 said:
@laphamking, aparently her boyfriend is jealous of me, i have no idea why he would be because im not the kind of person to take somes girlfriend, but i think what @brisby was saying is also a real contributing factor about her having to cut ties with friends especially male ones. But what i find hard to understand is that after everything this guy does to her, Emalee still goes back to him WHY???? and i dont understand the concept of her being mean so ill end the friendship, shes a human being shes allowed to interact and befriend anyone she likes without consent from this guy.

You don't have to understand it, unhealthy jealous people see anyone of the same sex as a threat to their relation.

Brendog28

i think that im just not going to talk to Emalee anymore and see how she likes it, ive spent too long trying to do the right thing and she constantly desmisses it, i wonder if she'll even realise what she lost

Brendog28

so is me not wanting to have anything to do with her and giving up caring if she keeps getting beaten wrong? the thing that i find hard is she helped me alot at one point and now its a complete backflip on that, on one hand i want to help her but on the other im getting sick of her doing the same thing over and over and i couldnt care less if she suffers for it. any ideas?

jaded_sapphire

its not wrong you have to take care of you before you can take care of others and it sounds like you need to take care of yourself right now

squizzy

well personally its best to just ignore these people...If someone won't leave me alone I get pretty confrontational, and I kind of turn into the asshole, I kind of go all out both verbally and under certain circumstances physically...You just kind of got to know how to fight back to people, if certain people know you've done things like this people tend to not treat you like a jerk anymore :D

ultrabean v2.0 · ultrabean v2.0 November 2011

if someones being a dick for no reason im just become more sarcastic than usual and load on some condescending, hasn't failed me yet

EDIT:
just read the situation about the boyfriend, I think we've all had this problem and i think the main thing and what i usually do is let the friend choose. More than likely she goes with the boyfriend her first go around so i usually forgive them since i understand how some relationships can be. If it happens again i find it better to just drop them as a friend, if they are that ignorant to get fucked over twice and cut you off then can get cut out of your life.

other than that i completely agree with brisby as to why she keeps going back to him and some guys are just naturally jealous. I met a girl in college who cut me and my friends out because her boyfriend told her to. I guess its kind of a compliment that he feels threatened by me but for the most part highschool/college relationships dont last forever. In this instance i would say theres nothing you can really do to convince her otherwise other than for her to learn this life lesson herself.

XxBarretxX

When i was a kid growing up in the ghetto I was treated pretty bad. My parents didn't let me listen to rap music and stuff so I wasn't ghetto and actually intelligent unlike everyone else I was going to school with. Amazing how young people are when they start considering gangs and stuff.

But when I moved in the suburbs as a fat kid, I knew I had 2 options. Be funny and liked, or not be funny and be made fun of. So I chose be funny since those really are the only two options when being a fat kid. Now and days things changed, I'm skinny and pretty much every person I ever met in high school and work I get along with. I can only think of one person in real life who doesn't like me and shes a cow and a tool so I don't care what she thinks. :p

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